My class was cancelled this morning so I decided to meditate in the diag. I took off my coat and set it on the little cement wall, took off my boots and sat in lotus, soaking up the sunlight and trying not to think about how cold my hands and neck were. Eventually I was able to enter the deep vastness and pretty much ignore the cold gusts. Suddenly the sunlight intensified, and the pleasure of subtle warm relief took me immediately out of meditation. My eyes snapped open as I realized that physical pleasure can be as much of a distraction and a hindrance to centeredness as pain is.
A man walked up to me in the middle of this thought. He had been driving the little snowplow around the sidewalks. He told me he was a brain cancer survivor and that he respects someone with a devotion to inner focus. We talked briefly about meditation, and he mentioned that he was struggling to lose the weight he'd put on recently. I said, well, you know meditation can free you from addictions and food is certainly addictive.
The insight that converged as I walked home was that truly, addiction, or attachment, is suffering. It seems we live in a society of addicts, of insatiable need, and this is why we are never at peace for very long. Now I look at my own addictions: I have been addicted to food, to intimacy, to talking and thinking, addicted to getting attention in a group of people, addicted to achievement, addicted to my own appearance in the mirror. I have also been addicted to worry, about my health, my future career, my acne.
I wish to be free of these things, and I ask you, Universe, Self, to help me through it!
I wish to identify not with my body, my name, my words, my achievements, but with the immortal Awareness that I share with all of you.
You know what I mean. Anyway, to get back to pleasure and pain, it seems we are addicted to both of them. There is an anxious pull toward pleasure, called desire, and an anxious avoidance of pain, called fear. I think it's not really pleasure or pain that causes suffering, but this obsessive anxiety about them which creates turbulence in my contentment, my stillness.
What I want to know from you is, Do you think freedom from attachments is the way to happiness? Or is my aloofness somehow bad? I feel that some people would criticize me for having no material goals. Please help me validate how I feel!
Peace of heart to all of you.
Laura
This is such a thoughtful and heart-full set of experiences/contemplations.
ReplyDeleteThank you Laura
Thank you so much for sharing this, Laura.
ReplyDeleteI personally have not ever characterized "freedom from attachment" as "aloofness"; with "aloofness," I get the sense of actively holding out on becoming immersed in whatever it is that one is being aloof from. In contrast, non-attachment for me means not riding the rollercoaster of emotions that is so tempting sometimes.
On being criticized for having no material goals.. I applaud you! We're trained so intensely to move from one goal to the next, like frogs hopping from lilypad to lilypad*, never stopping to enjoy the shining, sparkling lake we're in. Somehow you've subverted that training. I love it!
Again, thank you for sharing. See you Tuesday!
*frogs seemed like the right metaphorical tool. can't explain it. ribbit.
girl, i feel exactly what you're saying.
ReplyDeletein my experience, attachment essentially is the cause of all suffering. i've found that the only way to avoid letting people, places, and things dictate my happiness is through detachment. though i don't consider myself to belong to any religious affiliation, i'm pretty sure the idea that detachment frees one form suffering is a main tenet of buddhism.
i'm glad to hear others feel the same way :).
i really enjoyed this post because i have often struggled with this attachment versus freedom from attachment dilemma. in my experience, i have been happier when i think of things (emotions, situations, circumstances out of my control) to be separate from who i am. i was much more inclined to embody this thought process during and right after 418, and i think that in general i was more emotionally stable and satisfied with my surroundings.
ReplyDeletehowever, i think that now i have lost that ability to be detached, as i have become very attached to my boyfriend (my longest successful relationship), to the extent that instead of being freed from emotion and seeing it as separate, i almost experience double the emotions (if that makes sense) as i am very in-tune with mine while also absorbing his, whether negative or positive.
i think it would be interesting to try and regain your way of thought. i agree with eve that it is different from being aloof, but instead just understanding the space around you and within you in a different way.
Karen
it seems like pulling for a certain experience takes us away from the experience we're in and all of the nuances we can explore. I'm excited to practice meditation more to learn more about this 'aloofness' ;). The meditation I'm practicing right now is called Vipasanna, and it's learning to be aware of the sensations in my body in order to practice equanimity...no craving, no aversion. it's not sensation seeking, but rather using every sensation to practice equanimity.
ReplyDeleteThankyou for your post Laura! It resonated with me, and what a cool encounter with that man on the diag. And you said: "I wish to identify not with my body, my name, my words, my achievements, but with the immortal Awareness that I share with all of you."
This reminded me of a quote I read somewhere (probably in the sally kempton book) that said when we look into someone's eyes to see our own consciousness reflected back. I didn't really know what that meant, but with your words something clicked! instead of identifying with my achievements, etc. I can look into someone's eyes, apprehend their awareness and identify with that. Thankyou! I'm looking forward to practicing this!
detachment can be a tricky devil, for me. popular common sense says that to be detached is a bad thing, implying that one is isolated from everything else, passionless, unable or unwilling to get involved in life. but Piper's right, that detachment from desire is a core value of Buddhism, and the sense behind this attitude is that all attachment to desire leads to suffering. though i think that detachment in this second sense is great in an ideal sense, i sometimes wonder if though i aim to embody the Buddhist notion of detachment, i am really just acting aloof and just doing what's easy, thereby negating any uncertainty that arises when committing to something more difficult, also negating any anxiety that might crop up when i put myself out there for something or other. it seems that we have been encouraged from adolescence onwards to have a passion and pursue it, thus leading to a meaningful life (i remember my dad asking, "what's your passion", and me just looking back at him blankly). if we're always just letting whatever happens happen while only committing to the easy, noncontroversial (and therefore unassailable) middle-ground views/ways of behavior, then it seems that we aren't getting much out of our limited time here on earth.
ReplyDeletei know i'm late to this little thread of discussion, so i'm not sure anyone will see this comment, but are there any thoughts on this?
The core question now is: What is there to "get out of" our limited time on earth? Our existence is precious, that much feels certain. I feel we should squeeze the juice out of life, but just what is that juice? Which activities are worthwhile and which are a waste of time? What is the criteria here?
ReplyDeleteI feel like I only know what is important on the inside - I know that laziness, indifference, hatred, etc, are "bad." Therefore I strive to be active, inspired, loving... on the inside. That what meditation is for. I still don't (rationally) know how to convert these gems into physical reality. I don't know how to convert them into a "career."
I do, however, have a creeping suspicion that a lot of human activity (thought, development, consumption etc) is senseless and wasteful. It has no purpose, save to perpetuate itself. I feel that doing only for the sake of doing is just noise. Growth, only for the sake of growth, is cancer.
Activities that are NEVER a waste of time/energy: 1.) relieve suffering, 2.)....?